Well i started therapy today and talked about all the things that happend to me that ive nvr spoke about b4. It was weird to say the things out loud but now the ice has been broken and i actually said it instead of still hiding it. I actually nearly let myself cry ovr it still not in a place where i will cry, if i start i hold it in but jus saying what happened is good enough for now.
It was the first time someone had to me what was done was wrong and you where only a child and you couldnt protect yourself. i didnt go into detail yet about it. just stating that it was done and that i suspect this is what started my depression in the 1st place and my anxiety and everything else that is wrong with me. keeping it rape hidden for 9 years and never speaking of it drove me mad. Slowly but surely i will open up more about it in councilling because i so sick of feeling like this and want to move on with my life because it has effected all my relationships and effected how i veiw myself.
Im ready for this now but scared at the same time. I know many here on this forum have helped me with supportive msgs and i thank yous all for that.
One thing i never coped on to was the emotional abuse that i went through for years to i thought it was just sexual but there was emotional 2 and each type of abuse usually link so while one happens the other happens to.
It makes me wonder why do others feel so empowered by emotionally abusing other people why would that make you feel better about yourself to be a c***. Why do people go with there sick sexual urges instead of getting help for them and why do people believe adults over children ? Why do i carry guilt over it VigRx Plus when i didnt do any thing wrong ? trying to cope with the shame and all the other feelings that i felt why should guilt be 1 of them. Why cant i let it go and live my life. Why did i let them get away with it and not stick up for my self ? Why do i feel embarassed? it has made me think alot of questions today.
One thing that annoys me to hear is that people say if you let someone get away with it then they go on to do it to someone else. Do they not realise the guilt that this can have on the victim. If i rapist goes on to rape another person it is the rapist fault for his own actions not ours. After all when that happens to you, you have to make a discision that you can handle and that you can live with. As far as i can see there was 3 chocies here to make and each one as difficult as the next in there own way.
1. Seek justice and go to the Police
Can i handle coourt, accusations of lies, my character being destroyed and reports of what happened in a paper for people to read. Do i want to be the one people look at and whisper “oh thats her the one “. Can i reveal such intimate details of me in front of a room full of strangers. Why do courts go this way i understand that they have to protect the accused and the court system is this why so the acussed can have a fare trial. Why do sex offenders get protection inside and outside of jail when there is clearly little protection for their victims.
2. Stay in denile and hide it
The other choice you have is to not look for justice and can i handle not having justice because its the worst way you have destroyed me as a person and now im now im bottling everything. From this you didnt only sexually abuse me but you cause me to have severe social anxiety, phobias of people, relationship issues, depression, suicidal thoughts, low selfesteem and no confidence. It is an awful misuse of trust.
3. Go to councilling
Although you got away with it because i never went to police or court im going to get help because im not going to let you distroy my life. I can work through these issues and get acceptance for what happened and eventually leave it in the past, but again this is also heart wrenching because ive to go over every detail about what you did and re-life all what you have done for one last and final time.
I can remember conversation that people have had (gossipy types) about others who have been raped or who have made acusations of rape. They usually go like this;
• “I dont think she was raped because she wouldnt wear such skimpy clothes if she was”
• “If she had been raped she wouldnt be able to have sex again and i seen her getting off with someone”
• “Thats not how rape victims react or behave”
• “She diserved it any way because she is trampy”
• “Oh look thats the one who was raped”
A question for everyone
Why do people think that they have the right to say what is an appropriate way for rape victims to behave ?????
For all the gossips out there what do you know about being raped ??? Has it happened to you ???? If it has or hasn’t isnt important but do you still think that you’ve the right to dictate ??
This is just food for thought and not aimed at anyone in particular but just to the attitude of the general public. I see these issues everyday and i think that sociaties in general need to change there attitude to certain topics and questions that i have brought up. If people disagree with what i send you can put your comment under this good or bad is ok